The Fault in Our Identity

The search for identity is a journey taken by everyone. The first major "identity crisis" usually takes place during high school-a place where students are trying to determine what they want to do in life. Many teenagers are insecure and scared about their future. They ask themselves, am I going to go to a good college? Am I going to be able to have a bright future? Is this worth it? Meena Alexander's piece, Fault Lines, is very relatable as I feel like high school students, like me, are going through the same issues she mentions in the essay.

Every day I worry about my grades and standardized test scores. My life is composed of waking up, going to school, eating some food, checking schoology, studying, and then going back to sleep. This cycle repeats, making my mundane life even more uneventful. Just like how Meena Alexander "caught [her] two eyes crooked, face disfigured," I see myself littered with flaws. Just like her, I've lived in different cities and countries since birth: Daegu, South Korea; Rochester Hills, Michigan; and now Troy, Michigan. Just like her, I ask myself "what of all the languages compacted in my brain" (Alexander): Korean, my parents tongue, the first language I ever learned; Chinese which I started to study as a middle schooler; and English-the one I picked up from ESL classes.

Daydreaming is also an unhealthy hobby of mine. I imagine scenarios where I become a famous doctor or rich engineer or even a talented athlete. However, I'm fearful that I will never amount to anything, that "everything I think of is filled with ghosts, even this longing" (Alexander). I sit here writing my 11 AP English blog at 11:39 on Valentine's Day, knowing that in a year, my future will be set. All that is left are the same questions that I cannot answer. Will I succeed? What could I ever be but a mere extra in this world? How am I going to discover my true identity in this chaotic society?

After finishing Alexander's work, I just sat down and thought about life. I realized I have two choices going forward: I could either be depressed about my shortcomings, or I could embrace my faults and enjoy life to the best of my ability. I wholeheartedly believe this path is better than slipping back to "the shelter of memory" (Alexander). I want to lead a life where I take charge instead of sitting in the back seat. I will not let my fractured identity hold me back; it will be used as an advantage instead.